Naan of Your Business! How to Offend an Indian

I sit here shaking trying to dispel the fears that have just come upon me after one of the most horrific experiences of my life.  It’s cold.  I feel lonely.  I hear sirens in the distance.  I’ve never been so offended in my life before.  It’s difficult to even formulate words to describe the atrocity I’ve witnessed, the horrible taste left in mouth, the complete disregard for the sanctity of naan.  I just ate the worst naan.

Fabulous Flats brings us their product Tandoori Naan, should be more aptly titled Tandoori Non, because non-Tandoori is what it was.  Naan is the traditional bread of India - a leavened flat bread baked in a tandoor, a clay oven.  This piece of crap, I’m sure, was mass-produced, injected with preservatives, and most likely not baked in a clay oven, but probably a factory in White Plains.  (I went to their website, and it says, “Our flatbreads are preservative-free and contain NO hydrogenated oils and NO trans fats.” Well, they forgot to mention NO flavor and NO authenticity).  

Now, I know naan.  I grew up with naan.  Naan raised me, practically.  Naan is not something that can keep for days, weeks, or probably years according to this nonsense of food’s expiration date.  Naan is a precious delicacy that will harden after a few hours of exposure to air.  Asymmetrical in shape, puff pockets of air result in flaky bubbles yielding a celebration of brittle and plush textures in your mouth.  Fabulous Flats’ “Tandoori Naan” tasted like a water-softened pita, a sponge dipped in butter, a high density pity party of starch.  

That’s not even the worst part!  The two most offensive things to me are racism and B.O.  Fabulous Flats’ suggestions for alternative uses for the naan ranks third.  Now, I can assume the marketing geniuses Fabulous Flats realized their primary consumers would not be authentic Indians like me who know their naan (in other words, white vegans).  They’ll probably buy a tikka masala from a jar and mix in (organic) chicken.  Oh no, but what if they’ve just run out of boxed tikka masala?  Have no fear, for Fabulous Flats has recommended a plethora of insanely appropriate ideas.  Let’s go down the list. 

As Wraps - “Wrap up a hot dog, or peanut butter and jelly…everything taste great in a naan!” …the fuck?!  Hot dog in a naan?  PB&J in a naan?  Everyone outside America thinks we’re weird for combining peanut butter and jelly.  Now throw in a naan and you make the American Desis look like the biggest assholes on the planet!  You know what I have to say to that - FUCK YOU!

For dipping - I can handle.  For Salads - I can handle, but croutons are tastier.  For Breakfast - “brush naan with melted butter” - I can handle - “set into pie pan and top with scrambled eggs, or quiche filling.” - FUCK YOU!

For Pizza - VAFFANCULO!

For Naanwiches - FUCK YOU already - layer one naan with your favorite cheese and press a second naan on top; grill both sides until golden for a tasty toasted grilled cheese Naanwich.”  And they Trademarked Naanwich.  Are you freaking kidding me?!  You’ve just removed all Indian delicacy from the naan and have shamed it beyond recognition.  Let bread have the grilled cheese.  No one eats white bread anymore, let white bread have it.  Leave naan alone!

So, Fabulous Flats, when it comes to bringing ethnic foods to a vast audience, be my guest.  But, when you ruin one of the greatest delectable accompaniments in Indian cuisine, it’s naan of your business!